Monday, August 23, 2010

Repairing the Wounded Little Boy Inside of Me: Scars to Stars


Jonah Organization




Repairing the Wounded Little Boy Inside of Me: Scars to Stars


     by P. J.  (Posted August 2010 )

I think the phrase "reparative therapy" speaks volumes - think about it...  we are trying to "repair" our selves.  Which means that we were never properly "prepared" to begin with - otherwise we would not need therapy.

Does anyone remember the Cub-Scouts?  I was a member before my mom pulled me out so that I wouldn't be influenced by men from the organization known as the "Boy Scouts of America".  Nevertheless, I recall the feeling I had when I first opened my brand new copy of the Cub-Scouts Manual.  The pages were crisp and the illustrations were astounding to the eyes of this 7 years old boy!  I had big dreams after reading that book!!  I remember how feverishly I read every page and wanted to try to memorize all the badges of honor that could be earned by practicing the "Scouts Honor" and completing the PROJECTS!!!

The book was chock full of illustrated step-by-step outdoor activities and PROJECTS that boys could do with their fathers!  But that's when it the scary reality began to sink in that I really didn't have a father.  I slowly gave up on all my hopes and dreams one by one.  At first, I thought that maybe I could "improvise" and accomplish some of those challenging projects on my own, like building a bird-house or making a kite.  But each time I made up my mind that I was going to do one of those activities - I realized that there was no father around to help me and I didn't have the know-how and the resources or tools.

But years later, the wounded little boy inside of me started looking for another "father figure" in the fantasies and promiscuity of my adolescence and early adulthood.  I still struggle with the "little boy" inside and his temptations and mixed-signals.  But now I know that these feelings are in fact the "Reparative Drive" also known as Same-Sex Attraction (SSA).  When I first heard Dr. Nicolosi of NARTH ( ) refer to SSA as a "reparative" effort to fix one's broken masculinity - I thought that was his nice way of masking what really was the worst evil.  I was convinced that the devil himself had actually possessed me and every man who had those fantasies! LOL!

However, the more I broke away from my mother, became my own person, and started my Journey into Manhood ( JiM weekends: see, which is a program recommended by JONAH ), I started to see what so many of you all have already attested to - that we are wounded - deeply wounded in the most sacred part of our essence - our MANHOOD.

As I began to differentiate myself from mother by clearing out the messages her particular feminist philosophies had programmed my mind with, I started to sense a confidence that I have never felt before.  Now I sense that I have rights as a MAN among men!  Especially the fundamental right to BE a man among men.  Thanks to JiM Weekend # 35, this period of my life has been a pivotal "Turning Point" in history for me.  No longer am I trapped by the insecurity and terror of not knowing who I am as a person.  I am now set free to explore the world as a man - and even to embrace and accept my SSA with compassion and understanding.  After this "reparative battle", there are scars and casualties, but my "scars" are the result of my battle for masculinity and self-respect.

So as a result of this reparative battle, I have turned my "SCARS into STARS".  It is not my SSA that is the problem anymore - it is actually part of the solution!  My desire to be free from my mother's feminist tyranny was so strong that I would go to any length to "RE-pair" myself with the Gender-Identity of my own sex.  Hence my Same-Sex Attraction reflects my need to be consumed and engrossed with all-things MALE and MASCULINE, so much so that even my innate desire to mate has at times been driven by the excesses of desperation and loneliness.  But somewhere - somehow - someone found my "message in a bottle" - no longer am I an ISLAND in a world of mirages, rather I am a member of the Society of Men, a Man among Men, becoming the ultimate REALITY of my true self.

To all the men I met at JiM, thank you for reflecting the GOLD that I see in all of us!  Thank you for PAIRING with me as I continue to re-pair my wounded little boy inside, because I see how that boy is slowly becoming a man.



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