Saturday, February 9, 2013

Not Born Gay

1.     SEXUAL IDENTITY....most often, people speak about homosexuality as if it is mainly a sexual topic. although this may be the basis for the definition of the word itself, many other aspects of the life of someone who is gay are rarely uncovered, much less focused on. as a small child, i wore frilly dresses, bobby socks, and patent leather shoes. my hair was long and curly and decorated by long..., flowing ribbons. shortly after multiple sexual assaults, i traded this look in for short hair, sneakers, and jeans. now, although there are numerous reasons why this occured, i will in this message focus on one. being that all three of these assaults happened before the age of 10, it would be safe to say this was not a response to my sexuality, but an emotional response to a horrific and traumatic experience. now this obviously carried into my adult life, and as an actively gay woman, i perfected this manly image, and became someone who eventually lived all aspects of my life as a straight male. i insisted that every girlfriend i had be incredibly feminine in dress, mannerisms, and identity. because of this, i never dated a lesbian, but only bisexual or bicurious women, who undoubtedly felt more comfortable with my manly image. i lived predominantly in the heterosexual community where i identified more easily. now i used the word "identified", because my entire adult experience, up until two years ago when Jesus Christ delivered me, was an "identity crisis". i considered myself to be a straight male, and expected to be treated as such, and became incredibly uncomfortable and aggressive when i wasn't. i was aware of this the entire time, but saw no way out. i used to say "i am who i am, and no one can change me", because i felt the scars were too deep, and even though i was sure the Lord could alter this, i didn't believe it was something He was willing to do. in all of my relationships, i was consistent and purposeful in the dominant ways that i handled each and every situation. i paid for almost everything, everywhere we went. i never allowed her to help with the bill, whether it was dinner, movies, or anything else. if there was a birthday or holiday, it was an "over the top" event, intentionally catering to every wish or dream i believed it was possible for me to fulfill. now, the flip side to this is that i was extremely controlling in that i would not allow her to wear hats or anything masculine, go out alone at night, carry heavy objects, or have any male friends that were not gay. because i was in no way abusive, and provided for her every need, they typically had very few issues with this type of radical behavior, and almost always considered it to be for their own safety and comfort. in most cases, they would even brag to friends and family that they never lifted a finger, and that became nourishment to my fragile ego. now, deep inside, i felt that i was a male chauvinist lesbian with serious control issues. i also felt that since i dated these predominantly straight women, that my behavior was a result of the fear of her leaving me for a man. that somehow, i must be much better than any man she had ever been with, and when this was confirmed in conversation with myself or anyone else, i was a little less insecure. so i spent my entire life in what i felt was a total understanding of who i was. that would all be flipped upside down when i was delivered in june of 2010. if there are those reading this who are not familiar with my story, i'll briefly describe the events that led up to this. at the end of 2009, i had what i believed to be a nervous breakdown. i couldn't stop crying, and spent each and every night this way for months. i debated that i was possibly mentally unstable, but somewhere in my Spirit found comfort through this pain, and this allowed me to walk through this time as if it was somehow destined to happen. one night, after moving to washington state to work, i fell asleep as a gay woman and awoke completely heterosexual. now after the initial shock and disbelief, i questioned God as to His involvement in this encounter, and He answered my "did You make me straight???" with a very blunt response. "YES. AND I HAVE THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU. I WANT YOU TO GO INTO THE WORLD AND TELL AS MANY AS WILL LISTEN THAT NO ONE IS BORN GAY. AND THAT I WANT TO HEAL THEM AND DELIVER THEM IN THE SAME WAY THAT I DID YOU." WHOA....OK. so that is what i will spend the rest of my life doing...telling anyone who will listen what Jesus did for me and what He desires to do for them. now, my initial response was a self-absorbed one, considering the work in me had just begun. i remember looking up at the sky and saying, "i don't know how to be a woman!!! i can't dress like a woman, talk like a woman, walk like a woman, none of it!! what am i going to do???" and He said in the direct way i have grown accustomed to..."I WILL TEACH YOU." i wish i could walk you through the last two years and show you all the ways He did this, but with respect to time and length of this message, i will skip ahead and just describe what the last two years have consisted of in general. He brought me to Savannah, Georgia, and stripped me of every resource in my life i ever attempted to hold onto. i had no close friends, no romantic relationship, no influences, and no instruction but His. He made sure of this. and although the last two years were undoubtedly the loneliest and hardest two years of my life, i grew completely dependent on Him and He taught me everything i would need to know to accomplish the mission He called me for. i also learned to hear His voice above all others, and am completely aware when He speaks to me on any matter. i am also now used to Him interrupting any of my random thoughts, if He wants to show me where i am misled on practically any issue. this happened shortly after i was delivered, when i once again pondered my plight as a gay woman caught in the grips of an identity crisis. i thought about the way i used to treat women, and remembered all that i had done in every relationship. how i held the door, took them to fancy restaurants, bought them clothes, jewelry, expensive vacations, basically catering to their every wish. once again, i assumed this was because of my insecurities. the Lord has completely blown my mind in so many ways over the last two years, and the following information He shared with me is a perfect example. He interrupted my rambling thoughts by saying, "NO!!!! YOU'RE WRONG!!! THAT ISN'T WHY YOU ACTED THAT WAY. ALL THE THINGS YOU DID FOR THOSE WOMEN WEREN'T FOR THOSE WOMEN AT ALL!! IT WAS FOR THE LITTLE GIRL WHO WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED. IT WAS FOR YOU!! YOU WERE ATTEMPTING TO HEAL YOURSELF FROM THE ABUSE, AND IT WAS AN UNENDING CYCLE.THAT IS WHY YOU COULD NEVER DO ENOUGH FOR THEM. BUT YOU COULDN'T HEAL YOURSELF, BECAUSE I AM THE ONE WHO HEALS!!" He also confirmed that it could have been any woman in the world, and that was why i never had a problem when we broke up as long as i had someone to replace her. furthermore, He showed me this was why i insisted on their unwavering femininity. they were representational of the little girl that i was prior to the abuse. which is also why i was obsessed with protecting them and entertaining them and making their lives like one unending vacation...I WAS TREATING THEM LIKE I BELIEVED I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TREATED AS A LITTLE GIRL, RATHER THAN THE VIOLENT AND DAMAGING EXPERIENCES I ENCOUNTERED. I WAS ATTEMPTING TO HEAL MYSELF THROUGH THEM. now i want to begin to add to your understanding of this even more. for those who have personally encountered this behavior or for someone who struggles to comprehend the behavior of someone they love, pay close attention to this...there were certain characteristics that i knew most women that i dated had. i will try to sensitively cover this, so bear with me. they were submissive in almost all aspects of the relationship. they desired to be held, taken care of, treated like a princess, protected, given complete attention in conversation and action, talked to more delicately, etc etc. now at the time, i couldn't identify with these needs in any way. after the abuse...I TOOK ON THE IDENTITY OF A MAN. so my needs were met when hers were. i was comfortable providing, protecting, comforting, etc. i couldn't understand being any other way. this was because i was in this process of attempted "self-healing". ok...when i spent those months crying, i was being healed of the abuse. when i was delivered, Jesus restored my identity as a woman and those desires were no longer there. NOW I DESIRE THE THINGS THAT THEY DID. i want to be held, taken care of, protected, talked to sweetly, treated gently, etc. etc. my identity is now intact and safe in the Hands of Jesus Christ and that is how He created me to feel. THIS IS WHAT GENUINE HEALING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE AND DELIVERANCE FROM HOMOSEXUALITY LOOKS LIKE!! now you can see...most of this is not sexual, but emotional!!! they don't need to have demons cast from them. they don't need to be preached to until they get it. they don't need to "meet the right man or woman". THEY NEED TO BE HEALED!!!!! THEY NEED THEIR IDENTITY RESTORED BY THE POWER OF JESUS CHRIST!!!! the book that i am writing is entitled, "You weren't meant to carry that"...this is because the Lord once told me that i was never comfortable with the responsibilities i had given myself in my identity as a man, because, as He put it..."YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO CARRY THE BURDENS OF A MAN. I DIDN'T CREATE YOU FOR THAT." i pray that this has opened your eyes and many of you who are dealing with this in your lives can begin to see how much more than a "sexual issue" this actually is. and i also pray that you will begin to approach them in a different way, knowing that this is more than likely a deep rooted identity crisis, rather than simply a perversion and an ethical matter. these are broken souls. broken people. treat them as such. AND PRAY FOR THEM AS SUCH!!!! this may be the one thing you need to understand to come to the point where deliverance from homosexuality can finally be a reality, whether in your life or someone you love!!!! God bless

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